The writing, not a claim about the writing.
Every example on this page is a rewrite of sample copy we wrote ourselves — not a client's work, not a case study with a name attached. We don't have real client testimonials to show you yet, and we'd rather show you nothing than fake something. So instead, here's the actual product: copy that doesn't work, what we'd change, and why.
Case 01 of 05 — Website hero copy
Illustrative rewrite of sample copy — not client work
Homepage hero, B2B software company
✕ Before
Welcome to NimbusHR — Your One-Stop Shop for All Your HR Needs. We are committed to excellence in providing seamless HR solutions for businesses of all sizes.
✓ After
Payroll, contracts and onboarding for 20-person teams that don't have an HR department yet. Set up in an afternoon.
Why this works
“Businesses of all sizes” describes nobody in particular, which means it persuades nobody in particular. Naming the actual buyer — a 20-person team with no HR department — and the actual promise — set up in an afternoon — gives a reader a reason to keep reading instead of bouncing.
Case 02 of 05 — Landing page headline
Illustrative rewrite of sample copy — not client work
Ad-traffic landing page headline, webinar signup
✕ Before
Join Our Exclusive Webinar and Discover the Secrets to Unlocking Growth in Today's Competitive Market!
✓ After
How three SaaS teams cut churn 30% without touching their pricing. 40 minutes, live Thursday.
Why this works
“Exclusive,” “secrets” and “unlocking” all promise mystery instead of information. Someone deciding whether to give up 40 minutes needs a specific, checkable reason — a real claim and a real time cost do that; vague intrigue doesn't.
Case 03 of 05 — Win-back email
Illustrative rewrite of sample copy — not client work
Win-back email, subject line + opening line
✕ Before
We Miss You! Come Back and See What's New 😊
Hi there! We just wanted to reach out because we haven't seen you in a while and we think you're going to love everything we've been working on!
✓ After
Your saved cart expires Friday
You left four items in your cart three weeks ago. Here's what's changed since.
Why this works
“We miss you” is a feeling; it asks nothing of the reader. “Your cart expires Friday” is a fact with a deadline attached — it's the subject line, not the emoji, that has to do the persuading, and a specific, time-bound reason to open beats a general one every time.
Case 05 of 05 — Article introduction
Illustrative rewrite of sample copy — not client work
Article introduction, B2B technology topic
✕ Before
In today's fast-paced digital landscape, businesses are increasingly turning to cloud migration as a strategic imperative to remain competitive and drive growth in an ever-evolving marketplace.
✓ After
Cloud migration fails for a boring reason: nobody scheduled the cutover. Here's the checklist that fixes that.
Why this works
The “before” could open literally any article about any topic — it says nothing that narrows the field. The “after” names the specific, narrow claim the article is about to prove, which is also exactly what makes an article worth ranking for and worth finishing.
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